Google Yourself If You Dare

Every once in a while I Google myself to reconfirm that I used to exist.  It is always a surprise to see what comes up, usually references to the more inconsequential trivia of my life.  Today I found that I was listed in a new on-line journal published by Marta Freitas of Brazil which said that I had been asked to participate.  Marta is such a transgender warrior, taking on all the nons who like to build their careers expounding on us in one way or the other. 
 
There was a relational crisis at Transy House while I was gone, which resulted in Sadaisha leaving after threatening to bludgeon Chelsea with a Chinese dragon candlestick.  She extorted $250 of my money from Chelsea before she would leave.  This was another case of the entire collective rising up against a person whom I found hard to deal with at times, but who was also a person who did things that I like to do too.  When Crazy Danielle was here I had a great time collaborating with her in redoing the roof and building the deck.  Her craziness bounced off me and I liked her energy, but everyone else wanted her out of here.  With Sadaisha it was the same thing.  Sadaisha needs a lot of reassurance, and she liked to be the center of attention, but she was smart and very creative with video and music editing.  I think she would still be here if I had not been away for a week.
 
Sadaisha had to go.  When Kristiana threatened Chelsea with a butcher knife in 1995 I let her stay another 5 years or so, and it caused no end of grief for me and everyone else.  I resolved to never again cross Chelsea like this.  The policy is now that those who threaten violence are out of here.
 
Actually, related to Googling myself, I cannot continue to maintain an open house for homeless trans people.  I am becoming aware of being almost 63, with an often aching body and much less physical energy than I had 10 years ago.  I am tired of the chaos and constant drama.  We are going to turn Sadaisha's room into the library, and by attrition empty out the house.  I feel disappointed that I have done very little for all the people who have passed through here in the past 10 years.  I cannot think of anyone who turned their life around from being here except for Sylvia Rivera.  No one was able or even interested in pulling themselves out of whatever marginal activity they were involved in, and most never really got into any activity in the "real" world.  So all those links on Google amount to just so many words.
 
Sadaisha had the best situation here that she had had since she was a young child in her birth family, yet she could not understand the sense of collaboration needed to find equilibrium in a cooperative social group.  As she was leaving she wanted to throw a bucket of black paint all over the walls and furniture of her newly redecorated room.  Maureen had to wrestle the paint out of her hands.  Sadaisha said that she would be glad to do this to me, evidently in anger at me for giving her a place to stay instead of sleeping on the subway.  Maybe she was angry that I went away on a business trip.   I'm sorry and saddened that it did not work out.
 
Chelsea tells me that Maureen finds me to be like Andy Warhol, surrounding myself with interesting characters for stimulation.  I wish I had some artistic talent to go along with the stimulation.  There is also the fact the one of the characters eventually shot Warhol.